Oh, Jesus! I'm So Blessed!

The other day the mail came and there was an unexpected package from my friend Jenny. After having the dogs sniff it for bombs and drugs, I emailed her to see if I could open it. She said yes and lo, what did my wondering eyes alight upon, but my very own Jesus action figure! And he talks! But only in Spanish! He's so awesome!

Fresh out of the box, Jesus is in a nice linen dress with frayed hems. His hair is very neat, and he looks like a surfer or like one of those soulful hippie guys who drink cappuccinos in the local cafe while they write poetry to their mothers.

He also looks worried, doesn't he? I do like the attention to detail in his dress, for example the neckline.

Of course I had to see what he looked like naked! Was he anatomically correct? Inquiring minds need to know! I looked up his dress and there was a note up there! This is what Jenny had left me. HA!

So Hot Damn, Jesus is ripped! I think he had his head switched with GI Joe. I've never seen another doll like this that was so muscular. Jesus must be doing steroids. It's the only explanation. For Christ's sake, even his damned forearms are ripped!
The pièce de résistance though, is his undies. Jesus wears briefs! Would you have ever guessed? I suppose he was ahead of his time in fashion and innovation. 
Oh, and his sandals are also well made but poorly designed. There's no strap over his toes so they would just flop around.

Good God, look at those back and arm muscles! And I love how his fingers make a fist and are semi-articulated.
And the magic button there has him speaking Spanish.

There was an insert in the box that said the following:
“Spiritual Stepping Stones”
God has entrusted each parent with a special gift: a child. With that gift comes tremendous responsibility. A parent must take it upon himself to inspire, teach and nurture every aspect of his child’s development, including their spiritual development. The spiritual growth and development of each child is progressive and unique. It is often marked by individual influences in the home, cognitive development, moral development, and personal experiences. Consequently, any spiritual teaching materials must reflect a basic assumption that parents can encourage their child to pursue a life of faith. How does a child’s faith develop? How do children learn to love and follow Jesus Christ? Initially, faith is rooted in a child’s early perception and attitude toward spiritual matters. As a child matures, his evolving perception and attitude will steer him toward a decision about his faith. Later in his development, this decision will lead him to a commitment. The secret to encouraging lifelong faith in a child is understanding the Spiritual Stepping Stones that mark his spiritual development.
  • Spiritual Stepping Stone #1: Infant (ages 0-2)
    • During these early years, a child is very susceptible to spiritual influence and instruction. (brainwashing)
      • As you care and provide for the needs of your child, he will develop a foundation of comfort, love and trust in you, which will later lead to his sense of trust in God.
      • Children begin to form an association with the language of faith, spiritual images, and biblical characters, which build the inner foundation of moral knowledge.
    • Spiritual Concepts:
      • “God created all things.”
      • “God, the Father, cares and provides for me.”
      • “Jesus, God’s Son, loves me.”
  • Spiritual Stepping Stone #2: Toddler/pre-school (ages 3-6)
    • During these formative years, a child experiences great spiritual growth, as he is beginning to understand the basic concepts of right and wrong, respect, compassion, and friendship.
      • As you instruct and model good behavior for your child, he will form an understanding of thoughts and actions that are acceptable in relationships with other people and with God.
      • Seeds of faith that were sown during infancy will continue to grow with responsive parenting and continued spiritual influences that are all focused on the Lord, such as songs, stories and prayer.
      • Creative thinking and imagination begin to develop with a new understanding of faith in things unseen.
      • More things are caught than taught. Modeling spiritual behavior, like Bible reading and prayer, becomes extremely important.
    • Spiritual Concepts (ages 3-4):
      • “I can listen to Bible stories and learn Bible verses.”
      • “I’m beginning to understand that the Bible is God’s Word and it tells me about God and His Son, Jesus Christ.”
      • “I know that Jesus feels sad when I do something wrong.”
      • “I want to follow actions of others.”
    • Spiritual Concepts (ages 5-6)
      • “Jesus came to the Earth to save people from their sin.”
      • “I know who God is and what He is like.”
      • “I can talk to God whenever and wherever I want.”
      • “I know people in biblical times loved God and served Him.”
      • “I know how I can love and serve God today.”
      • “I am beginning to understand how God can be everywhere and in my heart at the same time.”
  • Spiritual Stepping Stone #3: Child (ages 7-11)
    • During this season of life, a child is begins to wrestle with more complex theological issues, and he is ready to begin making faith part of his daily life in a more conscious way.
      • One of the ultimate goals of spiritual development in the life of your child is the display of biblical love toward God and others!
      • As you strive to emulate the character of God in your parenting, you will encourage your child toward spiritual maturity and growth, marked by an unwavering commitment to God, kindness, a sense of justice, and forgiveness.
      • As they begin to believe more deeply in their personal convictions, they experience an increased desire to discuss them.
      • As their knowledge and understanding grow, they begin to share their beliefs and faith with others.
    • Spiritual Concepts (ages 7-8)
      • “The Bible defines right and wrong. I am responsible for choosing what is right.”
      • “The Ten Commandments are hard to obey. I need Jesus’ help.”
      • “The world is a big place, but God is working in every part of it.”
      • “I believe that the Bible stories are true, and I can begin to apply them to events that occur in my life.”
    • Spiritual Concepts (ages 9-11)
      • “The Bible is God’s authoritative truth for my life.”
      • “Salvation is for me and any one else who trusts in Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior.”
      • “The Bible paints a big picture of God working with His people, and I am part of that picture.”
      • “I now understand why Christ died for me. I realize how much He loves me and I want my friends to know Him too.”
For more information on your child’s spiritual growth and development, please visit: www.family.org, www.incm.org, and www.one2believe.com.
So this little insert is full of helpful ideas on how to brainwash your child into the myth of your choice. I went to their site and was able to find the same information and more exceedingly lame biblical toys to help indoctrinate children before their brains are fully developed. Here is a screen shot of the shop I got forwarded to:

Not very subtle, is it? "Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old he will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6. I get the impression from this and from talking to religious parents that they feel that is their Christian and parental duty; to mold their children into little mindless drones that worship the lord, never talk back, always do what their told no matter what, and never question authority.

I wonder if there are any longitudinal studies on such a thing? For instance, if they took a group of kids raised as fundies and followed them through their 30's I wonder how things would average out for such a population? What if they followed them into their 50's? 

Anyway, I love my Spanish Jesus. He makes my life complete. I never thought I would be given the gift of the Lord.

But now I need your help. Spanish Jesus can't live here without earning his keep. He needs to pull his own weight. I have a Barbie (who happens to be naked) and I really thought maybe they could both model for me. What should I do with them? Any ideas? Try to keep away from the really raunchy stuff. I'm sure that's been done and already has its own meme. 


  1. Since every 10th Jesus is Queer I would recommend Barbie as the psychotherapist and Jesus as the Queer Saviour struggling with his feelings for John the Baptist. She needs reading glasses to review her notes but Jesus will look swell in a gay baby gap tshirt and jeans. You know queer Jesus just has to show off those pecs.

  2. Put the Jesus robe on Barbie, that way, Jesus is a girl (who can't stand alone, but nobody's perfect) (wait, is Jesus perfect?) :-)

  3. What a gas!!