Where Do I Get My First Slave?

Hallelujah!! I've found the Lord! Slavery is OK according to the bible and I get to have one of my very own! I think I might get a breeding pair so that I can grow more. Once you've gone slave master, one is never enough, you know. Plus, I can sell the extra for cash.

I just don't know where to buy my first one. Walmart has knock-off slaves. They may be the least expensive, but they don't last more than 6 months, so it's not worth it. I think I'll try Amazon, they're great for most stuff. My friend got a slave from them and it was damaged in shipping. They replaced it right away, no questions asked. Plus they throw in an owner's guide on care and feeding. Slaves can be tricky, so that might come in handy.

And you're probably about to lynch me for this post, aren't you? Hey don't blame me. PZ Myers helped me find the light of the lord. I guess the shining light of reason really goes to Jean, who really is a visionary. She's a born again christian, who happens to also be black, which in this circumstance only makes her logic so much more compelling. I know that sounds like an ad hominem attack, but no, in fact it is merely an observation. Jean has opened my eyes. Jean is a raging ignorant whackjob moron.

I tried to muddle through her disjointed mess of logical fallacies. It wasn't pleasant. It's vaguely coherent, but I was so flabbergasted by her reasoning that I had to keep shoving my eyes back in my sockets with a tire iron.

What also threw me for a loop was that she's actually right about one thing. The bible does not condemn slavery, it condones it. Of course, that isn't surprising, slavery has been around for millennia and still exists today.

But being able to sort through and quote the contents of an ancient, poorly translated, disjointed, misinterpreted, poorly edited bunch of stories thrown together into a book does not mean Jean is right in the rest of her logic. In fact, she seems to be fantastically flawed at every turn.

I will not waste your time with tearing each of her thoughts down to expose the fallacies. Instead, I'll let Jean speak for herself:
Just as wives are to be submissive to their husbands, likewise slaves are to be submissive to their masters.

If the bible would have condemned slavery then the gospel itself would have been robbed of its meaning on some way. If slavery is wrong, then wives should not submit to their husbands, children should not obey parents, women should became equal to men and preach in churches ( which is forbidden in the bible by the way), and mostly no one should call Jesus their master or submit to the authority of God. For this reason, the bible does not condemn slavery, because the whole concept of Christians serving God would be meaningless. Human slavery is a very difficult part of history, and the fact that godly people in the bible owned slaves, makes it more hard for people to understand.

I do not believe slavery is wrong, because a) The bible does not condemn slavery and b) Slavery makes so much sense and to say slavery is wrong we rob the gospel off its meaning and even Election. The concept of total submission and slavery is at the very heart of Christ's gospel. In order to be saved you have to be a slave of Christ.

We are told to deny ourselves and take up our cross daily and follow Jesus. We are told to hate our own self and love God even before our own families.

I find that people who do not understand the concept of slavery do not understand the character and nature of God Himself and they do not understand what it means to be Christian.

... if you are truly saved, you will not find the concept of slavery insulting or evil.

Oh, Jean, you poor deluded fool. Anyway, I especially like the last one because it explains where we'll get our slaves. Born Again Christian Camps will provide us with a steady supply! Woot!

Ok, I'm still reeling from this revelation. I need to clean out the shed out back and turn it into a proper shack fit for a born again slave (makeshift altar to jesus, sackcloth mat to sleep on, shackles to make sure they truly get the full experience of being a slave for christ, you know, the usual stuff.) Ooh, I wonder if I can get a starter kit with my first slave!? That would be so much easier! We have a pentecostal church right up the street, maybe they will have a christmas sale on children, half price!

I'd better get going now, I have to bake cookies for my husband, because if I don't have them hot and ready when he gets home I get the belt. But once we get our first slave, that will all be over! HALLELUJAH THANK YOU BABY JESUS!


  1. It never ceases to amaze me how far the wingnuts will go to justify the insanity of the Bible. God supports slavery, homophobia, subjugation of women and even genocide? Well he's God so he must have a good reason and if they have to make it up they will. Don't dare disagree because you know what God says to do to unbelievers.....

    Once upon a time utterly delusional people were put in hospitals. Now they're put behind the pulpit or even given the presidency. Is there anybody left who wonders why our nation is as far down the rabbit hole as it is?

  2. Oh wow...I just went and looked at her blog. To think that someone like her is bending over backwards to justify slavery is just unreal. Of course that bit about "it's good because the Bible says so" is one sign that a person has completely absolved themselves of critical thought. I rather wonder, though, if her old job rubbed off on her.

  3. I posted the following as a comment on her blog:

    "I agree with Jean that according to the Bible, slavery is not necessarily wrong. Socially, and on the level of basic human decency, slavery IS wrong. Living your life and having values based on promoting basic human rights says that we should not enslave others of our species, or otherwise harm or infringe on others of our species.

    There are many things that the Bible says concerning the roles of women, homosexuality, parenting, etc. that were socially acceptable during the time-frame the book was written. However, in this time and this culture, many of these things are not good, acceptable or right.

    Thus, it's my belief that even if you are a religious person, you should not use a religious text as the end-all for how you should live your life, and how you should treat other creatures on this earth. Many, if not most, religious text contain good tidbits of wisdom, as well as a snapshot in time of our past ideas, transgressions and superstitions. Even if you do choose to subscribe to a certain viewpoint, it's my strong recommendation that you do not accept a point of view just because a book contains a statement about it, or chooses to omit information about it.

    Just because something is right/wrong based on the text, does not make it right/wrong on a basic level.

    Believe in whatever helps you sleep at night and gives you hope for the future - but make sure those beliefs withstand a healthy dose of logic before you preach them as gospel."

    I would like to be able to say I can't even remotely understand how someone can view the Bible as being the infallible word of an omnipotent god, but I can't honestly say that. I used to swallow that rhetoric without a second thought. There were a lot of factors contributing to that fact, but I was a crispy-fried Jesus freak for a long time.

    Now, however, I look at people like Jean - and they just seem sad. It makes me even sadder to think that I was actually one of them once upon a time.

  4. Re: Jean. Holy shit. I can't even begin to imagine where the kind of self-hate that generates this sort of logic comes from. So, she was saved at 23, reborn. What was she before this, and exactly what the hell happened to her to invoke this kind of self-loathing? As sad as it is, it's actually kind of amazing in a sociological kind of way---this is how people cope. I can think of much better, productive, healthier ways, but for some reason, a whole lot of folks choose to go this route. Amazing.

  5. I would like to humbly submit a suggestion for all the Jeans of the world: Allow us to take away all your possessions, strip you of any of your rights as an American citizen and force you to work sun up to sun down for no wages. Then, you will sleep on a floor and only be allowed enough food to not die. Oh, and we are allowed to come in an have sexual intercourse with you anytime we want. Or beat you when the mood suits us.

    What do you say, Jean? Your bible says its okay. Then, you must be willing to do it.

  6. Buffy: Well said! I agree with you on every point wholeheartedly, thanks very much for commenting. :) Jean definitely has a severe deficit when it comes to critical thought. And yes, isn't it terrifying that you can be basically batshit crazy, thinking god talks to you directly, and about half of America will vote for you and give you the presidency? I can't wait for January when hopefully he skinks off quietly into the night, never to be heard of again. Ok, that was wishful thinking, we all know we'll never be rid of that arrogant, smug bastard. That would be too good to be true.

    DeletedSoul: Well said! Excellent! Jean and her ilk are rather pitiful and sad to me too. I would feel bad for her, except that she is preaching to people who will read her garbage and take that insanity to heart. In her situation, she's pretty harmless on her own, but when you realize the numbers of bible thumping jesus freaks out there, it turns from being sad, in my opinion, to being rather frightening. Don't beat yourself up too much about once being a crispy-fried jesus freak. At least you somehow found a way out and freed yourself of the mind-numbing bullshit. Most people don't have the strength and critical thinking skills to ever manage that.

    IsThatLatin: Good point regarding the self-loathing! Also I have to add how weak and easy to manipulate her mind is, to be able to not only subjugate herself to an invisible man in the sky, believe in fairy tales, and believe that an ancient musty book is more important than anything else today, but to also happily subjugate herself in all ways and find slavery to be a good thing on all levels. Insane. It is quite fascinating sociologically and psychologically. I totally agree.

    Lab Kat: Sure! We can get her started right away. I need a slave. She won't even need shackles, because she won't complain or get uppity! And her kids must be available too, right? We can get them trained properly to be good and obedient little slaves, just by teaching them the bible. Jean can be the poster child of slavery! She'll be the first slave of a new era!