Heaving Dead Cats

So you're a creationist or a fundamentalist, whatever. You know what? That's fine. I don't really care what you believe for yourself. Personally I don't think you should be allowed to raise your kids in such a way as I think it's cruel, but whatever. That's just me being silly, thinking kids should have a fighting chance by teaching them what is real and how best to get along in the world, not teaching them that there was a talking snake and 2 naked people in a garden that screwed everything up for everybody. Oh, and a man died and came back to life and then flew to heaven and that's why the kid drinks a sip of wine and eats a cracker every sunday. But oh yeah, Santa Claus was just a story his parents told him to keep him in line. Yeah, makes perfect sense.

Anyhoo... back to my issue. If you're a creationist and/or fundamentalist, basically you believe the bible is the true and literal word of god, right? You believe your god created the world in 6 days and rested on the 7th. And if you're a muslim, you believe whatever the quran says. You think evolution is nonsense. Hey, as long as you keep this to yourself too, I don't give a damn.

But, if you believe your bible is so perfect and science is so flawed, then you have no need of science. So. After you finish reading this article, turn off the computer and give it to your neighbor. No more electronics. No cell phone, no microwave, no electric light. All of that is here because people... normal everyday people... wanted to make things better. According to you, god made everything perfect and the bible is the be all, end all of knowledge. Stop being a hypocrite and get back to trying to be like christ-like.

So you won't be needing any other books. No magazines, no television. Sorry, just a bible. Which you don't even need. The idea that everyone was educated to read and have a bible is rather recent. Oh, and you can't have paper anymore. So you only get to use clay tablets. You can find your local pastor and listen to him tell you what god wants from you. And it will be a man. Because women need to know their place. So all you uppity women who think for yourselves, who make decisions and have opinions, get back in the kitchen and make your man his dinner. Go birth some babies. Girls, you'd better hope your dad can sell you for a nice dowry, because you certainly can't fend for yourself.

You don't get hospitals or medical doctors, of course. Women of childbearing years, you'll be lucky to survive childbirth, which is natural only. And your kids will be lucky to reach age 5, but hey, god is taking care of you, so that's just his will. No more antibiotics (which are mostly bad for you anyway), no allergy medicine, no blood pressure or diabetic care. Nothing to dull the pain. No advil, no tylenol, no oxycontin if you break your arm, no plaster casts for that matter, no epidural if you have a kid. I think you get leeches... wait, maybe not even that. Maybe you get some herbs. I'm sure there will be a few commenters who will be so kind as to correct me and tell me exactly what kind of medical care you can have. Whatever was in the bible. That's what you get.

Sex is only to make babies, and you are a baby making machine if you're female. So get busy, and don't you dare enjoy it.

And food? You have to give up 90% of what you eat because it's all genetically modified and cultivated in one way or another. Tomatoes are cultivated through careful breeding. They used to be wild and poisonous, if I recall correctly. So no tomatoes, no potatoes. Nothing that has been cultivated to become better, hardier, more resistant to problems. You can have whatever was grown in the bible. Because if it was good enough for jesus and his buddies, it's good enough for you. That's what was around when Adam and Eve were talking to the snake, so that's what god thought was perfect. That's all you need. No refrigeration, no grocery stores open all night to accommodate your every whim, no fresh fruit in winter. No pre-packaged corn flakes, or twinkies, no mcdonald's, no pizza, no taco bell. Just jesus food. That you make yourself. Because you don't need anything else, do you?

No car, of course. You'll need a donkey. And you'll have to walk a lot. But that's not so bad. Jesus didn't seem to mind.

No polyester or rayon cloth, of course. You can have linen and cotton. I'm sure there are a few others, just don't combine them because that's against the law in leviticus, if I recall. So, this means only sandals and leather shoes. No synthetic glues to hold them together of course. No rubber soles, either. Sorry. If god wanted you to have rubber soles and good footwear and 24 pairs of black pumps, he'd have given them to the jews and jesus. So you're out of luck. Get over it.

No air conditioning, no central heating, no running water, no flushing toilet. No insulation for your home, which should be in the middle east since that's where jesus lived and you probably want to go be in the holy land like him. No bug spray or even mesh nets to cover your bed for the summer months. No glass for anything, including windows. Like I said before, if god wanted you to have windows, he would have given glass to Noah.

You'll have to live in tents that you make yourself. Because the people in the bible were nomadic. No home. No meat unless you catch it. Only local species of food. No oven. Open fire cooking only.

On the bright side, you get to stone anybody you like, basically, for any small slight. How convenient. Men, women will know their place. and you can marry as many women as you like. Afraid of gay people? Well then you can stone them. See someone wearing 2 types of cloth together? Reach for some big stones. Crush in their head in the name of god. How wonderful. Oh and your god loves the smell of burning flesh, so I hope you can afford goats. They're his favorite.

Well, I'm sure there are a million more big and small things you need to forsake, because you wouldn't want to be a hypocrite, would you? jesus wouldn't approve. So start getting rid of all the things that man in his humble search for knowledge and a better life has invented and made better. Your Iron Age god is all seeing, all knowing, so whatever was back then is what you get, because the rest of it was done by humankind, for humankind. You don't need it if god didn't make it himself.