Christian Crap For Children

My friend Jenny is the best. The other day she sent me 3 pages of a catalog full of christian crap for kids. It's amazingly horrible. Of course my first instinct was to share it with you. Jenny even went so far as to make notes on the pages. She's not only a great friend, she's funny too!


Without further ado, here you go. This is the kind of horrible stuff you can buy your poor little brainwashed kids. It's great for parties too! Click the images for bigger sizes.

Choke down these cross mints. They come in their own little bible tin. But the top rated ones are the mints with bible verses. How special. And look, they're fat free. We don't want our little bible babes to be chubby!



Stones to throw at heathens and unbelievers! Some say words like "dream" and "faith" while others bear a torture symbol. Great for worried kids who are afraid of burning in hell for all eternity! Just rub that rock and you'll be fine! Jesus Saves, after all!Page 1 is cross-happy.  Look at the awesome real nail necklace you can have for only 75 cents each! Or hour about a flashlight for when your parents lock you in the basement for not praying hard enough? It says Jesus is the light. How precious.



Page 2 gives faith filled value with a burlap sack to play with, emblazoned with christian frogs leaping for the lord. Touching. And if you sin too much you can cut holes in the sack and wear it until you've been blessed by your favorite pedo-priest on Sunday. Look at the happy kids. As you can see, their brains are freshly washed... washed in the blood of the lamb! How about a Jesus loves me kazoo? Make a joyful noise unto the lord, damnit! Or a whore-ish religious tattoo? And three types of mints because the lord hates bad breath. Or at least those pedo-priests do.



Page 3 is full of more cheap crap for brainwashed kids. Here you can make your own nail cross. Gotta love the symbol of a deadly torture device. Very nice for the kiddies. Most of the stuff on here is pretty lame, but not that cheap, for the discerning Sunday school teacher or godly mother.



Thanks, Jenny. My eyes are bleeding now. I think I need to go eat a nice garlic roasted baby now to cleanse my godless heathen soul.

21 comments:

  1. The nail cross is the best! So much torture packed into such a little item. LOL!

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  2. Beautiful. Nothing like scores of cheap (slave-labor made) Jesus junk to reinforce your kid's indoctrination.

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  3. Damn. This stuff is way cooler than the junk they sold us at the "catholic bookstore" in the basement of the church when I was a kid. All we had were holy cards, prayer books, cheesy little plastic saint statues and cheap beaded rosaries to pick from.

    Christian kids are so spoiled nowadays.

    /s

    Great post, Neece! Keep 'em coming. (I nearly peed myself laughing.)

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  4. I know. You can either get it ready made or get the kit where you can make it yourself! Just like Jesus would have. How awesome is that?!

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  5. LOL! Christian kids ARE so spoiled these days! I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)

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  6. Ah, an excellent point that I missed, Buffy. You're right, this probably is slave labor made. It's pretty awful on its own though as you pointed out so concisely.

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  7. I want the Bible tin. I'll dump out the crappy mints and keep condoms in it. :)

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  8. Likely non-Christian slave labor too. Wonder how they like building that crap?

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  9. You can buy most of this at www.orientaltrading.com
    Kinda gives away the manufacturers location.

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  10. Check out Misspoppy.com. She has lots of fun stuff like Birth control gum. "When your abstinence pledge fails you, chew Birth Control gum. It won't work either!"

    and a fridge magnet that reads: "Jesus Would Slap The Shit Out Of You"

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  11. This is like the bread I found at my local Kroger, modeled by my lovely fiancée.

    http://dougsfiles.info/pub/JesusBread/

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  12. That's the funniest thing I've read all week. HAHAHA!

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  13. Yes, these pages came from orientaltrading.com's catalog.

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  14. Yeah, Ezekial Bread has been around for some time. The other I hadn't heard of.
    Like biblical writers knew about optimal nutrition, right? :P
    Thanks for the pictures, Doug! :D

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  15. That's wacky. I had never heard of it until that night.

    I have no desire for Jesus loaf. Ooooh, the innuendo!

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  16. HAHA! Jesus Loaf! How gross!
    I knew a catholic woman who was into all kinds of new age stuff. She swore by ezekial bread. It was in the BIBLE, after all! (Argument from authority and tradition, anyone?!)

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  17. Ah yes, Oriental Trading. I got to know this catalog and its products very well as a preteen youth groupie. I still get them in the mail sometimes - oh how I look forward to reading the Good News about their flimsy plastic trinkets.

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  18. LOL, that's kinda sad, actually.

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  19. As for bread in Biblical proportions (too funny!), it's sad that these people can't remember those verses are to be taken in the context of the times. Since 'fasting' once meant not eating meat (versus the contemporary meaning of not eating any food at all), they created a bread providing a complete protein closely matching the protein obtained from eating meat. The bread is good for diabetics (or pre-diabetics like me), but there's a similar bread called Healthy 35 that's much less expensive, high in fiber, and low in calories - and doesn't have a Bible verse (lol).

    Fast forward to modern times, and it's even sadder that people think they have to stuff their kids' mouths with torture-symbol mints! Or they can feel closer to Jesus by making their own nail necklace??!! At least the godless Buddhists are the ones making money. ;)

    Funny post, Neece!

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  20. I wonder if they knew the bread recipe in Ezekiel was high in protein though? How would they know that back before the Common Era? Just curious.
    Also, most christians never even read the bible, let alone take it in historical context. Which is a shame because that would lead a lot more people to atheism if they did.

    Yes, I agree, how sad that they have to celebrate a torture symbol and even feed those symbols as mints to their children. It's not only sad, it's sick.

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