A Delicate Situation

As you may know, I used to unquestioningly believe in the power of "energy". I became an atheist long before I became a skeptic. I still "knew" that there was an energy force in the universe, that we reincarnated after death, that there was justice in the form of karma, and that people could be healed by energy.

I never had any reason to doubt my beliefs. In fact, I had a lot of selective bias that showed I was pretty good at giving readings (I didn't know it but I was good at warm and cold readings), and I was very good at doing energy healings. People told me they felt better just talking to me. Now I know that just paying attention to people can be help someone feel better. I did reiki healing which is very comforting. I would pay a lot of attention to a person and really listen to them compassionately. The placebo effect did the rest.

Long before I discovered skepticism I heard something about the power of suggestion, so without knowing I was doing science (roughly) I tested out the claim that energy healing is all about just making people feel cared for and is no better than placebo. I "turned off" my healing hands (reiki) several times and people still thanked me and told me I gave them a wonderful healing.

That's when I started getting out of it all. I realized I was just doing therapy for people, and that it was psychological and not "magical" so I gracefully extricated myself from the spiritual community.

I had many friends in the spiritual community back then. Most of them stopped talking to me when I stopped giving readings and healings. One woman, we'll call her Barbara, kept asking me for readings. She would call me all the time, every few days, asking for advice. I am horrible at confrontation, so after trying to tell her I didn't do readings anymore, I broke out the cards and went ahead and tried to help her. I did my best, but I started to feel more and more uncomfortable as time went on.

She seemed to think my advice was great, but as most people who seem to seek readers and psychics, she never actually followed any of it (a very interesting phenomena, if you ask me). I kept trying to stop doing readings for her and she kept asking for more.

Suddenly about three years ago she stopped talking to me. Honestly, I was relieved because I was just starting to learn about skepticism and critical thinking.

Well, this Christmas, Barbara emailed me out of the blue. I waited a few days then replied and apologized for the delay in my reply because my water heater had died and had to be replaced. She came back with the "fact" that Mercury was in retrograde and that's why it had died, but all was well now that is was direct again.

Part of me just feels sick talking to Barbara again. I am reminded how gullible and naive I was to think I had spiritual "abilities". I don't know why she contacted me. I have a feeling she wants help with direction in her life. But now that I'm a full-on die hard skeptic, practicing critical thinker, and 7th degree black belt atheist, I can not possibly ever do another reading, knowing it is just a placebo.

Did I mention she's a devout Catholic too? She is. She doesn't know I'm an atheist either.

So here is where I ask you your opinion. How would you talk to Barbara? Her second email to me was overflowing with spiritual mumbo jumbo like color therapy, energy healing and astrology. As I said, this makes me very uncomfortable. Every thing she said was linked to some kind of spiritual woo.

Would you keep talking to her? Would you go so far as to give her readings? Would you tell her you've moved on? Would you explain the evidence lacking in what she believes? Would you try to educate her? Or something else that I haven't even thought of? I am very interested in your advice! If you want to reply privately, you can email me. Or leave a comment below! :)

25 comments:

  1. Let me sum up the bare bones here...she's been absent in your life for three years, until suddenly she's back and needs another fantasy fix. She's come to you, and doesn't respect your wishes when you tell her that you're not in the biz anymore. I'd be straight with her. What do you have to lose? The "friendship" of someone who only wants to use you for their fantasy fix when they have the itch? Honor yourself, your intelligence, your logic and your reason by being yourself. There is no reason to let this crazy person hold you hostage.

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  2. I would not even bother with her. She'll go away again.

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  3. Tell her you're not into that any more. Like Joe says, be straight with her. Not much of a friend.

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  4. Be honest with her. I wouldn't be mean about it. Just tell her your story. I believed a certain way years ago and now I don't and here's the reason why. What's the worst thing that could happen?

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  5. I think I'd tell her that I didn't believe in it anymore - I'd try to keep it relatively short and sweet - and I'd end with an offer to explain how and why I stopped believing, if she was interested. I'd be cautious of giving her the whole skeptic spiel right off the bat, given that you've gone along pretending for a while, and because it might startle her and possibly put her on the defensive.

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  6. I agree with the other posts. Just tell her you don’t believe any more.

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  7. I agree with Joe, you have outgrown your spiritual community & value system, she has not. She will take away only what feels comfortable no matter what you say, so tell her as much as you think she can handle. Feeling guilty is human, but don't let guilt tie you someone who can't value you and your thoughts.

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  8. You could tell her that you've grown out of that stuff and into something even better, but it doesn't sound like she'd be interested.

    Why not continue doing reiki if it helps people? Placebo or not, it helps people to feel better.

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  9. Could be that the real issue here isn't skepticism vs faith, but your fear of confrontation. You may be trying to protect her feelings vs wanting to be open. Let her own her feelings and you own yours. She'll have her feelings regardless of what you do, correct? So the real decision you have to make is whether or not to continue the relationship (friendship). Don't allow yourself to be in the defensive position. This is your decision, and you aren't into the whole "healing hands", color therapy thing, etc. any longer.

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  10. Apologize for manipulating her psychologically, that you didn't know how damaging your actions where at the time and you shouldn't have lead her on as you did.

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  11. Thanks, Joe. That's great advice. :)

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  12. Right, Merrilee. I guess I still have a lot of guilt. Thank you very much! :)

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  13. Ok, Angie. I agree. I know I have to be straight with her. You're right.

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  14. That's probably true, Shelley. If I don't give her what she wants, I guess she has no need for me. Thanks very much!

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  15. Great idea NFQ! Thank you very much!

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  16. Thanks Andrew. Yeah, I can't be mean, but I do have to be honest. The worst that could happen is she stops talking to me, which is not bad at all. Thank you very much!

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  17. Angie, you totally nailed it! Thank you so much! You're so right. Thank you! :)

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  18. Yes, science is something MUCH better, David! I'm sure she won't be interested, but I do have to be honest.
    Which is why I can't do reiki anymore. I can't lie to people for profit. It's simply a placebo effect. The problem with such sham "treatments" is that people think they are actually doing something and then forgo real science-based medicine.

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  19. Thanks, GMN, I never wanted to manipulate her. In fact I felt manipulated by her. But that's a good point.

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  20. I didn't realize that you used to profit from spiritual healing. Have you written about that?

    IMO most people here are too hard on holistic treatments and way too easy on profit-based-science-based medicine, which depends on at least 60% mis-diagnosis and consists of treatments which have been proven to help particular symptoms while often providing numerous harmful side effects. I suppose that such a comment would fit better in a more-related post where I would anticipate rigorous arguments. ;)

    Well, I hope that your conversation with your friend goes well! :D

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  21. I disagree, David. I think if a holistic treatment can pass the muster of scientific study, then it simply becomes medicine, and gets standardized and regulated for safety.

    Holistic medicine that shows no results beyond placebo is harmful because it keeps people from using real, science based medicine.

    Holistic treatments, if they do anything, are unregulated, not standardized, and also have side effects and interactions with real medicine. This is a very common misconception.

    Sometimes actual science based medicine is harsh, but it is usually effective. Real medicines aren't magic, so there are side effects, sure. But at least they're doing something that is measurable besides the placebo effect. And people get better every day taking them.

    Science is not perfect. Humans are involved so there are mistakes. But science is self-correcting and always improving. It's the best tool we've got.

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  22. Neece, If you simply look at the harmful drugs that have made the news you will see that medicine is often harmful and does not face enough regulation to ensure safety. Many of those involved in regulation have turned out to be profitting from the sale of what they were supposed to regulate. I'm skeptical of statistics, but I've seen studies showing that doctors mis-diagnose ailments more often than not. The drugs that may help some people are more likely to hurt those who are mis-diagnosed than a placebo would. I love science. I love medicine. But I'm convinced that we are way over-medicated and under-loved. I've also seen impressive results from reiki, accupuncture and homeopathy. Now for my logical fallacies (I'm sure that I will regret posting this, but I have thick skin--have fun): I sent a friend's son to a kinesiologist for allergy treatment. He had been having seizures and had tumours growing on the back of his head. The kinesiologist was able to detect a corn allergy. It turned out that the medication prescribed by doctors was corn-based. When he got off of corn, he got well. At my recommendation, the kinesiologist went to school on eliminating allergies. He later treated the boy for corn. The boy no longer reacts to corn (these treatments do often require periodic re-treatment, however). I hope that these treatements will be tested scientifically. Unfortunately, they appear to be more of an art than a science and like medicine are vulnerable to human error. Though not as rigorous as what might be required to test a new drug, we have done our own blind studies with strength tests and homeopathics from practitioners and have observed 100% accuracy.

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  23. David, I see you have firm beliefs about this issue and I'm sure whatever I say will make no difference. I will simply point out a few things:

    1. You are using confirmation bias and cherry picking by saying that drugs hurt people and the evidence is in the news. The news only reports the bad stuff. It doesn't report the billions of lives saved and improved daily around the world due to science based medicine. That's a strawman argument as well, I believe.

    2. Yes, doctors are fallible and make mistakes, drug companies are profit-driven, not patient driven, also because they are composed of humans who have less than altruistic motives. That being said, refer to the first point I made. It is a false dichotomy to say that holistic practitioners are purely altruistic and never make mistakes. I could refer to the news of people dying horrible deaths due to holistic medicine and non-medical practitioners making medical decisions for people. This is cherry picking on my part as well, so take it as it is.
    My friend is a medical transcriptionist for a cancer center. At least once a month he does a report for a person who was diagnosed with treatable cancer, who decided to try alternative treatments, then when they invariably failed, they came back and it was too late and they died.

    3. Your story about the boy and the corn allergy is anecdotal evidence and apocryphal. Unless it's documented it has to be taken with a huge grain of salt. Coincidences happen every day all over the world, millions of them. People call them miracles. They aren't. They are just statistical events that are improbable but still possible.

    4. 100% accuracy? Were they double blinded tests? Kinesiology has been shown to be simply the psychomotor effect, if I recall. When proper double blinded tests are done, it has never done better than chance. It's meaningless.

    5. Science is a very good tool (not perfect but self-correcting) to show what is valid and what is not. Alternative treatments are alternative because they are either untestable or don't stand up to rigorous scientific study. They are therefore ineffective and simply divert people from real medicine that actually works and is tested.

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  24. I did not intend to imply that either medical or alternative practitioners were more altruistic or made fewer mistakes. As for the allergy anecdote, I have many. BTW: The boy's medical doctor confirmed the corn issue after the fact. I don't call these things miracles, but I'm not certain of exactly how the treatments work. Most of us are not certain of exactly how drugs work either. I have done several double-blind studies with strength tests and allergy treatments (I also noticed that in James Randi's test that I saw that they performed the procedures incorrectly). I do my best to test these things for myself without being too skeptical of the general medical or alternative community (though I am still more skeptical of alternative treatments in general).

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