Rapture Time, Again!

Remember back on May 21st when the Rapture happened? No? Well, that's because it  was spiritual, not physical. And the real Rapture/Judgment Day is actually happening TODAY!

I can't believe I forgot about it! I still have money in my bank account, room left on my credit cards, and I haven't cheated on my husband with every person within grabbing distance. And I haven't killed anyone yet!

Most importantly I haven't fallen to my knees to beg for mercy and salvation from my lord and savior (the Flying Spaghetti Monster.. who were you thinking of?).

It's still only 6:30 pm on the West Coast where Harold Camping lives, so maybe there's still a chance, but the day is marching on. It looks like his math was wrong yet again.

Did anyone believe him this time? Will he just fade into the distance after wrongly predicting the Rapture 3 times? What will his excuse be tomorrow? I can't wait to find out how he'll twist things around to keep himself firmly ensconced in his sad little delusion.

I hear that his Family Radio bank account still has $70 million dollars in it, by the way. Just one last question. Why didn't he spend all that money doing something useful if he knew he and the rest of the sheep would be raptured today? It sure looks like even Camping doesn't trust his own predictions!

BS Meter Overload Regarding Rapture

My husband Butch and I were driving at 6pm on Saturday, eagerly waiting for the Rapture. Ok, we weren't waiting for it, but we did joke about it quite a bit. One thing we ruminated over was how the backpedaling would unfold. It took some time but Harold Camping finally crawled out of his hotel where he was hiding and talked to the press and his flock. He said pretty much what was expected.

He forgot to carry the 5 in his calculation, apparently. The Rapture is now rescheduled for October 21. I'm sure you're all relieved.

Here's the other "good news" which is not original to rapture predictors of days past. He said that this past Saturday was "an invisible judgment day" in which a spiritual judgment took place. "May 21 is the day that Christ came and put the world under judgment." I don't know about you, but I didn't see any signs of Jesus on a white horse with a sword. Go figure. In fact, there wasn't even a ripple in the air. It was as if, .... dare I say it? .. as if ... Nothing Happened!*

That's some very clever bullshit, if you ask me. I'm impressed! I'm sure the thousands of people who believed him are quite satisfied with this Fail and will happily wait for October 21. Of course, there were people who donated all of their savings to Camping's ministries and who quit their jobs and stayed home to pray and wait for the glorious end times. They are destitute now.

What will those people do now? They have 5 months to fill. As a friend of mine said, "If they were dumb enough to believe that crazy old kook, they get what they deserved."

I still feel bad for those people, though. Yes, they were gullible, but they are learning a very harsh lesson. The ones I don't feel sorry for are the ones that haven't abandoned Camping now that he's been wrong twice. He predicted the end times back in 1994. And guess what? He was wrong then too, just like every other judgment day predictor in human history.

By the way, in 2009 Camping's nonprofit Family Radio Int'l reported that they received $18.3 million in donations. They had assets of over $104 million, including $34 million in stocks or other publicly traded securities. Sounds like they were really expecting the end of the world, huh? No word on what they made in 2010 or so far this year as people were preparing for the Rapture. Camping said he didn't tell people what to do with their money, but there are reports that many gave donations to his ministry to help spread the word.

So, will Camping give back those donations to the now destitute, jobless families? I'd be interested if he does or not. Somehow I doubt it.

*There were a lot of Rapture parties, mainly by atheist groups. What a great way to spread the word of Reason! I guess I won't complain that now we have to have another party in October. Our group has great potluck parties. The food is "divine." :P

AP Story

It's The End Of The World As We Know It

And I feel fine. (thank you REM)

Let's get serious, now. As of today, we only have 57 days left before the Rapture.

So I thought one thing we could do is look at the bible and see what it says about the Rapture, Armageddon and the End of the World.

The End of the World

The SAB does a great job of summing up what the bible says about the end of the world.

The most important thing is that Jesus said in Matthew (twice), Mark and Luke (twice) that people of that generation would still be alive to see the fulfillment of the Son of Man coming, and the Kingdom of God.

Then it was changed from the end coming during the lifetime of Jesus' followers to within the lifetime of the new testament authors.

This is found in 1 Corinthians (twice), Hebrews (twice), 1 Peter (twice), 1 John and a few other vague references.

Then, more vague references to the end of the world, with no mention of exactly when (but the language repeatedly says it will be 'soon'):

Philippians 4:5 The Lord is at hand.
James 5:8 For the coming of the Lord draweth nigh.
Hebrews 10:37 For yet a little while, and he that shall come will come, and will not tarry.
Revelation 1:1 The Revelation of Jesus Christ, which God gave unto him, to shew unto his servants things which must shortly come to pass.
Revelation 1:3 The time is at hand.
Revelation 3:11, 22:7, 22:12 Behold, I come quickly.
Revelation 22:20 Surely I come quickly.

The Rapture

The Rapture comes from the following verse by Paul:

Preparing For The Rapture on May 21

According to some crackpot, May 21, 2011 is when the Rapture is going to happen. I am scheduling a party for my local group of heathens on May 22 to celebrate. Either way the heathens win. If the Rapture happens, May 22 will be the first day of living in a christian-free world. If it doesn't, well then we were right. Again.

My awesome husband Butch found this online and I have to share it with you. What every atheist can say to God if the Rapture happens and we end up standing before him in judgment:

“But what if you’re wrong?” So goes the common questions posed to atheists by Christians. Putting aside for a moment the obvious retort (what if they are wrong and another religion is right?) I decided to really organize my thoughts a bit. What would I say if I was wrong, the Christians were right, and a moment after dying I found myself before the blinding majesty of Yahweh with Christ at his right hand?


Oh. Oh dear. I see. Well, I guess this is about as close to incontrovertible evidence for your existence as I could have ever demanded. Actually, as a good skeptic I pray you won’t get offended if I entertain the possibility that I’m experiencing a hypoxia-induced hallucination. But, I’ll just go along with this for now.

I’m not going to kneel or anything if you don’t mind. That would kind of be shutting the barn door after the cows have run out, don’t you think? Besides: by your will, I was thrust into life in a very undignified manner and state, so the least you could do would be to let me leave it in better circumstances. And really, that would be the very, very least you could do. You know, now that the initial shock of being dead is starting to wear off, I find myself getting angry. I’m trying to restrain it, but this whole situation is… absurd. According to most accounts, this is the part where you judge me. Who the hell are you to be a moral judge? You’re a sadistic, genocidal sex-obsessed tyrant. All my life, I laughed off those Christians who accused me of “hating God”. Like I told them, it wasn’t that I hated you; I just genuinely didn’t think you existed. But I did hate the idea of you. I didn’t see evidence to believe in any gods, but you in particular seemed like a logical contradiction. I was glad that the Bible was a work of-seeming-fiction because the belief that all of the most terrible things in the world were, at the worst, designed by or, at the best, permitted by an all-powerful conscious being was too horrible to not hate. It’s oddly refreshing to find that all this time I was outraged at something more tangible.

Another Fine Atheist Service

We've all heard of Eternal Earth-Bound Pets and their awesome service of saving pets after the rapture (I wrote about being Rapture Ready here). Well, the other day I was contacted by another fine atheist service, Rapture Orphan Rescue: A service providing the Ultimate No Child Left Behind.

Here is their Mission Statement:

We are a Rapture-proof service that will ensure that your youngest family members will be given the religious instruction that you would have wanted them to receive. More than just letting your rapture-orphaned sons and daughters [know] that you love them, we will witness to them so that they too may be Saved and reunited with you at the end of the Trials and Tribulations.

This is based on biblical verses that state that we are all born in sin and that we have to reach the age of reason before we can be saved. The site goes into detail on the home page explaining why your baby is born an atheist and isn't guaranteed to be raptured.

The problem seems to be that the children christians will leave behind will then be taken in as wards of the state, and then might be marked with the sign of the beast. This service will take the child before that stage and make sure they are never marked, which would be a bad thing according to Revelations 20:4.

Are You Rapture Ready?

I found a site last week that I thought I really must share with you. It's called Rapture Ready. The page I really want to share is The Rapture Index, which apparently is "the prophetic speedometer of end-time activity".

With Sarah Palin and other fundie believers out there trying to bring on Armageddon, I figure this site is incredibly important.

There are numbers listed for 45 things like 1. False Christs, 29. Liberalism, and 38. Wild Weather. These numbers seem completely arbitrary. But according to the site at the time of this post, the Rapture Index is 165. That's a net change of +1 so you'd better be ready!

Now, as a godless heathen, I am pretty sure if the Rapture happens, I'll be left down here on Earth with all the cool people. Fun times will be had by all, and life will improve dramatically.

Of course, there is one small issue for Rapture Ready Fundies, though. Their pets! I'm sure you've heard of Eternal Earth-Bound Pets? These kindly atheists and heathens offer to take care of your pets when they get left behind and you go on to Jesus in Heaven.

What a noble cause. All I can say to that is why didn't I think of it!?

So, just because you're a godless heathen doesn't mean you can't prepare for the end-times. We know the fundies are working to make it happen in their lifetime. If it does, we have to be ready.

First we will have a fantastic party to celebrate. Then we can go loot all the stuff out of the True Christians' houses since they won't need it anymore. After that I guess we just get back to our lives, happier without all those pesky religious nuts trying to dictate legislation and force their god down our throats. Good Times, Good Times!