Any Regrets?

My birthday is fast approaching. As I get closer to the end of another year's journey around the sun, I am thinking more about my age and my life. I'm going to be 43 (only 43!) so if I live to a nice happy age of 86, this is Middle Age.

Side note: Do women have Midlife Crises? We always hear about men having them, but I've never heard of women going through them. Have I just not seen the signs?

Last year, about 2 weeks before my birthday, I saw my first grey hair. I was sort of proud of it - for all that I'd gone through to get that grey hair, but also felt a pang of dread as I realized my life was half over.

Now it's even more half over but I don't feel the same dread as I did last year. I have a couple more grey hairs now, and am hoping soon I'll have enough to start looking wise.

So as I think about my life, where I've come from, where I am now, and where I'd still like to go in my future, I came across an article written about a nurse who has recorded the regrets of the dying on a blog and now in a book: The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing by Bronnie Ware.

From what I gather it's a memoir. The article listed the 5 regrets, so of course, I am going to share them briefly:

A Plan and a Prayer

I saw this Philosoraptor picture on Facebook the other day and smiled because he's is spot on, as usual.

"If God has a plan for everybody, then why do people pray for change?"

I hear this bandied about often among my heathen friends, usually with a perplexed expression. We struggle to understand how people can muddle through life with so much cognitive dissonance.

But if you're one of the True Believers of the Abrahamic faiths, you probably believe that God has a hand in your life to some degree, and you probably still pray for assistance of some sort. Do you see the irony?

This verse is quoted often:

Matthew 10:29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. (NIV)

But what is it saying? That God lets little sparrows die, and that he knows about it and still lets them get eaten, get sick, freeze to death, starve, get diseased, and does nothing? If he lets sparrows suffer and have hard lives, what do you think he does for his favored creation? (hint: read your bible and find out! It's not pretty!)

I told you of the little boy I babysat for, when I was in my teens. He was born with a terrible defect in his heart. Did God let that defect happen? Did God have that child be born into a life of years of pain and intense suffering? Why would he do that? (By the way, humans and modern medicine were what saved him and let him live at all.)

And religious people, stop right there. Save your apologetics for yourself. I am not interested in your twisting of reality, your logical fallacies, your cognitive dissonance. You worship a deity who lets innocent children be born and suffer their whole lives and you make excuses for that monster.

I've never ever heard an argument that can fully explain the god of the bible in terms that are completely loving and caring. If you do, then you are cherry-picking out only a tiny fraction of the content of your holy book. You are a cafeteria christian, and therefore I am not interested in arguing with you either.

So God has a plan for all of us, right? In fact, in Romans, it says we are predestined. Well, more specifically God predestines those who will follow him. This chapter also has a bit about prayer which is relevant to us today, so here is the whole section:

Is It Just Me?

Lately, I've had some events happen that made me think about how I think, and I was wondering if it's just me or if other people have experienced this as well.

I bought my first ever real cell phone - a smart phone, woot! - and we had an animal behaviorist come help us with our newest dog, Tyche. These two events seem disparate but they both involve something new coming into my life.

From the time when I decided to get a smart phone to when I had it in my hands, I kept catching myself having strange thoughts in the back of my mind. It wasn't really conscious, and it went along the lines of "my new phone will make this task easier or the way I do this better."

It turns out that the phone really does enhance how I do things and I love it. But I was getting those anticipatory thoughts for just about everything, for stuff that obviously wasn't going to improve just because I got a shiny new gizmo. So I would have to say, "Neece, that's not rational. The phone is not going to do your dishes for you."

It seems trivial, except at the same time we had Lindsay the animal behaviorist scheduled to come for the assessment of Tyche. I was nervous and also really excited about what I'd learn about dogs and their behavior.

But I found myself thinking, "when Lindsay comes, this irritation won't happen anymore." As if her appearance in my home was a panacea for all my ills. Just like the phone.

I'm basically pragmatic and reasonable. I know that having a new gizmo is not going to keep the dogs from tracking in buckets of mud all day long. But it didn't stop the reflexive thoughts in the back of my mind.

Is it just me? Or have you ever noticed this kind of thinking?

I've seen my friends anticipate something good in their future and be overly optimistic. Is that the same thing? It seems like it might be.

A classic example is when someone gets a new job. Before they start they are usually 98-100% optimistic about the job. The first short while everything is groovy. Then a crack in the pedestal shows up. The boss makes a bad decision (the first of many), a co-worker starts to show an irritating habit, a policy changes.

Usually the person will rationalize the first few problems. They will work around them and still try to stay positive. But then the frustrations start to pile up and a dam starts to grow up in the river. The optimism slows to a trickle and resentment builds. Next thing you know that awesome job is the worst career move ever. This is the extreme, but you get the point.

The same goes for many relationships. The person you first go out with seems so perfect, then time goes on, familiarity breeds contempt, and you end up hating all the cute little idiosyncrasies you used to find so endearing.

If most people do this, what is the advantage, and is it evolutionary? Why do we do it? I welcome your thoughts and perspectives.

Everything Does NOT Happen For A Reason, But...

My cousin emailed my sister and I today to tell us what is going on in her life. She's in her early 30's, has been married a few years, and wants to have a child at some point soon. She found out she's got some problems that are bigger than just fertility, but that cause infertility as well.

So she's understandably upset. But, she said, "I'm trying to stay as positive as possible and keep one of my favorite sayings in the back of my mind "everything happens for a reason", which is what your nephew just got tattooed onto his stomach."

Now, when I hear stuff like this, klaxons go off in my head and I just want to box their ears and ask, "Why? Why on earth would you think that?"

Of course, they don't know any better. Our culture is infused with this myth. Confirmation Bias and wishful thinking make it seem like there is some cosmic consciousness watching out for us. Even some atheists say it (and believe it). Of course that doesn't make it true.

So here is my question to you, my godless, skeptical friends. My cousin is depressed and facing a difficult situation. She is getting a lot of comfort out of this belief.

What would you do? Would you disabuse her of it? Would you at least try to illuminate her with reality? Would you just say something comforting? Or would you just ignore the statement and talk about the rest of her situation?

I read the email a couple hours ago and it is taking all my willpower not to reply with reason-based facts. She is a nurse so she is not averse to science, but that doesn't mean she doesn't still embrace the standard woo that most people do.

I want to be kind, helpful and understanding. Personally I think believing these myths is harmful in the long run, even if they are comforting in the short term.

Please share your thoughts and how you'd handle it.

Perspectives

Monday afternoon, I was trying to go help my friend with a project when I hit a patch of ice on the way, skidded and flipped my car. It looks like it will probably be totaled.

I posted the picture to Facebook, since that's what you're supposed to do when you get in an accident (right?).

I am basically fine, no serious damage, except I bumped my head pretty hard when I undid my seatbelt upside down and fell loose. I'm really achy all over, I have some scratches on my wrist (I look so Emo) from broken glass, my wrist hurts from falling on it, and my thumbnail got ripped off below the quick (it really hurts when I type, but lucky you, I'm soldiering on like a little trooper!).

I thanked God and Jesus all the wonderful strangers who stopped and helped me when I was so shaken up; the truck driver who called 911 for me, the two guys who made sure cars didn't have a bigger accident by directing traffic for about 25 minutes, and all the fire and other guys. And even the cop, who was very nice, didn't grill me or make me nervous, and (most importantly) didn't cite me (since it was just an Act of God  unfortunate accident).

So I was standing there waiting for them to flip my car over and tow it, and for my friend to come pick me up so that I could help him with his project (yes, I still helped him out. But he bought me dinner with dessert, so it was all good, lol). And I realized, damn, this could have been so much worse and I took the time to count my blessings evaluate the good things.

I had my seatbelt on. If I hadn't, I might have gotten half thrown out of the window, or otherwise seriously battered or even killed. The seatbelt did a great job to keep that all from happening. So I was grateful to seatbelt designers and makers.

I flipped my car and I was able to sneak out the broken window unassisted. No one else hit my car or me. Thanks awesome strangers!

Musings on Friday the 13th

It's late evening and I just realized it's Friday the 13th! If I recall, there is no definitive beginning to this superstition, only some suggestions of how it came about. Suffice it to say, people are superstitious and it doesn't take them long to associate an action or outcome with mundane things and think they are magically connected.

I think about this a lot, probably because I'm often trying to figure things out and make them better (I have a preternatural affection for efficiency, not to mention my desire to understand how things work).

For example, I was trying to set up my new phone (It didn't go well. Don't ask, I might start twitching again. Suffice it to say, a new phone - better, faster and stronger! - is on its way as I type!) Unfortunately every site I went to for information was written by the nerdiest, Asperger's Syndrome afflicted boys who obviously all failed every basic English class they ever had. Nothing was written clearly and the grammar was atrocious, making whole paragraphs meaningless. Everything was in gobbledygook.

I'm not stupid, but I'm only a surface level geek. Basically I know enough to fix common problems and (obviously) get myself into trouble for the bigger issues.

Anyway, suffice it to say, I read a hundred articles and tried a bunch of different walk-throughs. (And it worked, too! I waded into the Android pool and conquered ... briefly. Then I decided to dive in head first, only to find that the water was suddenly infested with piranhas with deadly lasers mounted to their heads! Oh, FAIL, Neece, you damned fool!)

Where was I? Oh, right. So as I was stumbling around trying different things with my phone, every time something went right, I would just keep going (after doing a little victory dance, of course). But if it went wrong, the very first thing that went through my head was, "what was I just doing to cause the problem?"

Lucretius, My Reflection

A few months ago I don't remember how I learned about a poem written in Ancient Greece called De Rerum Natura - On the Nature of Things - by Titus Lucretius Carus.  Lucretius lived ca. 99 BCE - 55 BCE and his only known work is this long and wonderful poem.

You can get it for free from Project Gutenberg (and in Latin and English at the Perseus Project), but it's written in Old English, which I find challenging. So I never finished it. It was astounding but I had other books I had to read for my book club.

Then, speaking of my book club, a couple members suggested a book called The Swerve: How the World Became Modern by Stephen Greenblatt which is about the poem, Lucretius, and also the man who rediscovered it in 1417, Poggio Bracciolini. Poggio worked for the pope at the time and all the intrigue of the church is also talked about, which is fascinating.

I am less than halfway through the book, but so far I highly recommend it. It's interesting and inspiring.

On page 185, Greenblatt lists 20 elements that constituted the Lucretian challenge which he claims changed the world (once it was rediscovered by Poggio). To fully appreciate Lucretius I highly recommend reading the book, which is both fascinating and inspiring.

Briefly, here are the 20 elements. Remember, this was written before Christianity, over 2000 years ago.

1. Everything is made of particles. These particles are immutable, indivisible, invisible, infinite in number, and constantly in motion.
2. These elementary particles are eternal, indestructible and immortal. But all objects in the universe are transitory, and there is a ceaseless process of formation, dissolution, and redistribution. Time is infinite.
3. While the particles are infinite in number, they are limited in size and shape. They fit together like the letters of an alphabet, according to a code. Some letters combine easily and others resist each other. But they form sentences in infinite variety. While Lucretius didn't claim to know the code, he said it could be investigated and understood by human science.

Count the Logical Fallacies!

There's an e-mail making the rounds that I saw this morning, which gave me quite a chuckle. So of course I have to share it with you.

Spot the logical fallacies! I've included in parentheses the most blatant logical fallacy, but please feel free to comment with others. I left the original in all caps so that you can appreciate it in all its glory.

IN CHEMISTRY, HE TURNED WATER TO WINE. ("Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence." Carl Sagan – this applies to many in the list, but I'll just state it once. If something goes against the laws of nature and physics, you're going to need more evidence than just an apocryphal tale. This is also anecdotal evidence.)

IN BIOLOGY, HE WAS BORN WITHOUT THE NORMAL CONCEPTION. (ditto to the above)

IN PHYSICS, HE DISPROVED THE LAW OF GRAVITY WHEN HE WALKED ON WATER AND THEN LATER, ASCENDED INTO HEAVEN. (ditto to the above)

IN ECONOMICS, HE DISPROVED THE LAW OF DIMINISHING RETURN BY FEEDING 5000 MEN WITH 2 FISHES & 5 LOAVES OF BREAD. (once again, ditto to the above)

IN MEDICINE, HE CURED THE SICK AND THE BLIND WITHOUT ADMINISTERING A SINGLE DOSE OF DRUGS. (ditto again. In this case, if this story is accurate, Jesus was one of three things; a magician – common at the time, taking advantage of the placebo effect, or a scam artist in which 'healee' was a plant.)

IN HISTORY, HE IS THE BEGINNING AND THE END. (Meaningless statement)

IN GOVERNMENT, HE SAID THAT HE SHALL BE CALLED WONDERFUL COUNSELOR, PRINCE OF PEACE. (Again, meaningless statement and irrelevant)

IN RELIGION, HE SAID NO ONE COMES TO THE FATHER EXCEPT THROUGH HIM; (ditto to the above)

SO, WHO IS HE?
HE IS JESUS!

JOIN ME AND LET'S CELEBRATE HIM; HE IS WORTHY.

THE EYES BEHOLDING THIS MESSAGE SHALL NOT BEHOLD EVIL. (Baseless claim, easily disproved)

THE HAND THAT WILL SEND THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYBODY SHALL NOT LABOR IN VAIN. (ditto to the above)

AND THE MOUTH SAYING AMEN TO THIS PRAYER SHALL SMILE FOREVER. (ditto to the above)


REMAIN IN GOD AND SEEK HIS FACE ALWAYS. AMEN. (How can anyone remain in God and his face always, when there is no evidence of his existence?)

IN GOD, I'VE FOUND EVERYTHING! (Even your keys? Baseless claim, easily disproved)

The Greatest Man in History Jesus had no servants, yet they called Him Master. (Appeal to the masses – meaningless)

Had no degree, yet they called Him Teacher. (Irrelevant – there were no colleges back then.)

Had no medicines, yet they called Him Healer. (No one had medicines back then.)

He had no army, yet kings feared Him. (Any rabble-rouser was feared, so Jesus is not special in this sense.)

He won no military battles, yet He conquered the world. (In a sense this is true. Just look at the number of Christians in the world today, as well as in history for the last 2000 years. Not to mention the Dark Ages.)

He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him. (Jesus was a political dissident and rabble-rouser. The Romans had no tolerance for such problem makers.)

He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today. (Baseless, unfounded claim. Anecdotal evidence. Apocryphal tale.)

I feel honored to serve such a Leader who loves us! If you believe in God and in Jesus Christ His
Son, you may wish to send it on.... If not, just ignore it.

If you ignore it, just remember that Jesus said. 'If you deny me before man, I will deny you before my Father in Heaven. (Open threat, also completely baseless.)

The Opinions of Others

Have you ever noticed how people react when you tell them you don't like what they like? The perfect example is a TV show or movie. Over the holidays, what people watched on TV came up a lot.

"Did you see the latest episode of X?"

"No, I don't like that show."
"What!? That's the greatest show ever!" They seem genuinely worked up by your dislike of something they value. 

I was wondering what the reason is for people overreacting to having a difference of opinions. Here are some thoughts:

• In-Group/Out-Group: If I like X and you say you don't like X, then you are automatically out of my group, you become an outsider. 
• Worldview Threatened: If I like Q and you say Q is stupid, then that might be perceived as a threat to my worldview. It's a challenge.

This whole thing about Worldviews being threatened is fascinating. I think this is especially a problem when the issue at hand is not a concrete fact, but can be seen as subjective, open to interpretation, or contentious in some way.

Last week, I got a comment on a post that I took the wrong way, and my reply was a bit snippy and defensive. The commenter, Eric, said the following in reply:

"Isn't it odd that in a situation where just about everyone admits that the evidence is not definitive, and probably never will be, where you would think people would be most tolerant of differing interpretations of the evidence, people instead tend to become less tolerant of opposing views and often question the motives or honesty of the other side?"

It's interesting, isn't it? I think studies have been done that have shown just such a conclusion. The more people feel unsure about something important to them, the more they dig their heels in once they believe one side or the other. 

This seems apparent in areas like religion and politics where it doesn't look like there is any one hard fact, it's more about worldview and perspective of the world. People get really stubborn about however they make up their minds.

I'd say that it's different when there is hard evidence to be had, but that's not consistently true, is it? ID/evolution is a prime example where those who accept evolution rely on mountains of evidence and those who believe in ID rely on faith and on one old musty collection of books from 2 millennia ago. 

But, if you asked someone with a strong opinion in a non-factual argument, that person would probably have "good" reasons to believe their side. I think that might be the case because people don't know how to think critically at all anymore, if they ever did. But we are hard wired to rationalize.

Of course, there is also research that shows that people actually form beliefs first, then rationalize those beliefs. Michael Shermer's The Believing Brain does a nice job of explaining how we go about this.

But it definitely puts us on the back foot, because we have to justify our beliefs when they are challenged, and we probably don't have solid reasons for those rationalizations.

I also noticed over the holidays that the offended reactions to differing preferences was much less apparent among my skeptical friends. In my family and among my less skeptical friends, that's where it was really noticeable.

I think this is because skeptical people practice critical thinking, whereas your average person has no idea what critical thinking even is, never mind how to do it.

The moral of the story? Learn how to think critically! 

Spiritual Apathy

I read this article in USAToday about the "spiritually apathetic" which I wanted to share with you.

There are many people who would label themselves as spiritually apathetic. They don't care one whit about the mysteries of the Universe, if God exists, or what will happen to them after they die.

My husband and I were both in this group. Friends, family, work, play, finances, what was for dinner,  all meant much more than such intangible and unanswerable questions.

I suppose some people just aren't deep thinkers and will never care, which is perfectly fine. For people like my husband and I, we lost our apathy and became atheist activists after 9-11 when the government got really heavy-handed and it was obvious that even if we didn't care about religion, many did, and those people voted according to their morals first and foremost, and made it clear they wanted to shove their theocratic lifestyle onto the rest of us.

Back to the article, I wanted to bring up some things from it:

The Rev. Mariann Edgar Budde, Episcopal Bishop of Washington D.C., [said] "We live in a society today where it is acceptable now to say that they have no spiritual curiosity. At almost any other time in history, that would have been unacceptable."

She finds this "very sad because the whole purpose of faith is to be a source of guidance, strength and perspective in difficult times. To be human is to have a sense of purpose, an awareness that our life is an utterly unique expression of creation and we want to live it with meaning, grace and beauty."

What I find fascinating, as a skeptical atheist, is that people can actually get anything useful out of faith, which gives you nothing substantial, honest or real. I'm like Carl Sagan, I'd rather have the hard truth rather than the comforting lie.

Also, yes, as humans we create our own purpose. To just read a book from 2,000 years ago and take the purpose from that is very sad indeed. We are not created by a flawed god who had to keep trying to fix all of his mistakes through barbaric means.

We are amazing, though, products of 4 billion years of evolution, and over 14 billion years of our atoms bouncing around the Universe.

Again, as Carl Sagan says, we are how the Universe can know itself, because we are conscious. To bow and scrape to an imaginary father figure who spent his early years thirstily demanding murder and blind obedience seems to me such a waste.