Christian Crap For Children

My friend Jenny is the best. The other day she sent me 3 pages of a catalog full of christian crap for kids. It's amazingly horrible. Of course my first instinct was to share it with you. Jenny even went so far as to make notes on the pages. She's not only a great friend, she's funny too!

Without further ado, here you go. This is the kind of horrible stuff you can buy your poor little brainwashed kids. It's great for parties too! Click the images for bigger sizes.

Choke down these cross mints. They come in their own little bible tin. But the top rated ones are the mints with bible verses. How special. And look, they're fat free. We don't want our little bible babes to be chubby!



Stones to throw at heathens and unbelievers! Some say words like "dream" and "faith" while others bear a torture symbol. Great for worried kids who are afraid of burning in hell for all eternity! Just rub that rock and you'll be fine! Jesus Saves, after all!

The Adventures of God

I
God: Noah, all the people of earth are sinners. You alone are righteous.
Noah: Thanks God. Long time fan, first time prophet.
God: So, I have decided to smite the entire world with a flood.
(pause)
Noah: Couldn’t you just teach man goodness?
God: No. I’m thinking “flood”.
Noah: So you’d rather just kill every-
God: What part of “flood” do you not understand?

II
God: Moses…I have seen the plight of the Jews in Egypt.
Moses: Wow. Only after, uh, 400 years there, right?
God: Yes.
Moses: Awesome.
God: I will take you out of Egypt after ten terrible, terrible plagues.
Moses: …ten?
God: Is there a problem?
Moses: It’s just…ten is a lot. For, you know, God. Couldn’t you get this done in like, two plagues max?

Hoppy Easter, Fellow Heathens

Hoppy Easter, my fellow godless heathens! Today is the day we celebrate the death of a failed prophet from 2,000 years ago, with plastic grass, candy, chocolate and bunnies who lay candy eggs. I feel decidedly schizophrenic just thinking about it. Yet most people who believe this stuff have no problem with the cognitive dissonance.

So let's celebrate the zombie jew returning from the dead and plaguing us with mindless followers for thousands of years with funny pictures!

Proof that bunnies come from tomato patches, then lay candy eggs in April.

Ceiling Cat takes on the Easter Holiday by laying an egg

Why Does God Hate Pigs?

More to the point, why do Jews and Muslims hate pigs, since god doesn't exist. But for the sake of argument, let's look at the bible and quran to see what they say about the other white meat.

Question: Are pigs native to the Middle East, then? If no decent jew or muslim could eat them, why were they raised and by whom?

God seems quite fickle about what were were to eat:

• Adam and Eve are supposed to eat a vegan diet: Genesis 1:29: And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.


• Noah and his sons can eat any living thing, but they have to drain the blood first: Genesis 9:2-4: And the fear of you and the dread of you shall be upon every beast of the earth, and upon every fowl of the air, upon all that moveth upon the earth, and upon all the fishes of the sea; into your hand are they delivered. Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things. But flesh with the life thereof, which is the blood thereof, shall ye not eat.

That didn't last long because in Deuteronomy and Leviticus he gets into all the things that are forbidden. Here I'll highlight the references to swine.

• Leviticus 11:7: And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be clovenfooted, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you.


• Deuteronomy 14:8: And the swine, because it divideth the hoof, yet cheweth not the cud, it is unclean unto you: ye shall not eat of their flesh, nor touch their dead carcase.

Holy Jesus In A Little Plastic Cup! How Convenient!

The interweb is an amazing place. There's stuff out there that just leaves me speechless. Or makes me laugh. Or like this rare case, I do both at the same time. What a MIRACLE, people! I laughed and was speechless! The lord works in mysterious ways. Can I hear an AMEN?

I know you're wondering WTF I'm talking about. Well, I use Gmail. There's this bar at the top that I have customized to show RSS feeds about science, Formula One (racing), and a bit of news. It also shows occasional sponsored ads and Google news. Well I don't remember what I was looking at that inspired this sponsored link. I think it was a Facebook message.

And Lo, a light shone upon me, and Google told me about  Prefilled Communion Cups. Bread and Juice IN ONE CUP! Jesus, it's so freaking convenient! I may buy some just for snacking on the lord of hosts between meals. Maybe as a light dessert after a hedonistic meal of pulled pork BBQ sammies with extra melted provolone cheese and cole slaw?

I am up in the air about giving links. Do you want links? Do you need links to these christian stores? They're everywhere if you Google the term "prefilled communion cup"

Ok, one link because the name of the site is so awful and their description and picture is the best of the bunch. Kingdom.com ... ... ... get it? kingdom com(e)? HAHAHAHAHA

I wonder how much they paid for that domain name.

Anyway, I've added some pictures of these communion cups. Another thing I find hilarious is that the cups are made of  jeezits, I mean, crackers and grape juice. I don't have my bible in front of me, but I don't remember the son of god telling his posse to drink grape juice and eat crackers to be closer to him. I think it was good bread and a nice chianti that would let them eat his flesh and drink his blood?

Maybe I have it confused. I'm just a godless heathen after all.

I also wonder how easy it would be to open the jeezit pack. It looks small and awkward. I would feel so bad if I had shaky hands and spilled the lord on my best Sunday dress. And I know my dogs would fight over, and snatch up, the jeezit in a heartbeat if I dropped it on the floor.

At least the catholics make a nice presentation with communion. If somebody handed me a Convenient Lord & Savior In A Plastic Cup I'd lose it. Literally.

Richard Dawkins "Rose From The Dead"

From NewsBiscuit

via RichardDawkins.net

Let's Pick Out The Lies - Part 2

This is part two of a forwarded email I received the other day. Part One is here.

The rest of this email was all added on sometime in 2006. It was NOT said by Ben Stein. This kind of stuff drives me crazy. People forward emails because they blindly believe what is being sent. They just accept that it's all true and important, so they send it to me, and you, whether we like it or not. I really can't stand spam when it comes from someone I know.

Anyhoo, the following is a combination of older items about a TV appearance of Anne Graham Lotz (Billy Graham's daughter) made just after 9-11 and the false claim that child care expert Dr. Benjamin Spock's son committed suicide.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different:  This is not intended to be a joke;  it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Talking about an invisible man in the sky does not really require thinking. It is blindly believing in fairy tales, but I digress.

Let's Pick Out the Lies- Part 1

Personally I don't like to talk to friends and family about politics or religion. The older I get the more strongly I feel about certain issues. While I try to remain open to more information, and am willing to learn and grow and change my thinking, my tolerance for certain behaviors in those around me wanes.

Anyway, the other day I got an email from an acquaintance. She hasn't emailed me in about 2 years, but I guess this was so important to her that she just had to send it to her entire email list. Instead of deleting it, I thought I'd share it with you.

Here's the email in its entirety, with my commentary thrown in after each "quote".

Subject: is quite impressive , what do you think
Remarks from CBS Sunday Morning (everyone should read!)
I can only hope we find God again before it is too late!!

(oh lordy I'm so glad I got this email! Now I can see the light of god and I'm saved from hell! Oh wait, no. It was just a seizure.)

Birth of a Religion, Yummier Than Before!

How does a religion come into being? Well, in this day and age, maybe by instant message between two friends, late at night, while surfing the internet for interesting stuff…

Here's the recipe for Hess and Neece's (aka Fruitloop) Religion:

serves: Humanity

2: godless heathens

1: internets (can substitute 1 intertoobs, 1 webbernets or 1 ripe interwebs)

1: news article detailing wacky fundamentalist training camp

Chat and let simmer for 3-4 hours (cooking times vary in high altitudes)

Let cool then cut into squares.

Hessenroots: " TheCall Institute exists to equip, disciple and commission an emerging generation of radical Nazirites to prepare the way of the Lord by embracing a lifestyle of prayer and fasting that is energized by intimacy with Jesus. " http://www.thecall.com/

Fruitloop: oh jesus. That’s rather scary.

Hessenroots: yeah, no pun taken.

Fruitloop: :P pun intended

Hessenroots: "International House of Prayer University" abbreviates itself IHOP! http://www.ihop.org/

Fruitloop: ROFL!!!!

Hessenroots: I do love me some pancakes

Fruitloop: I love their crepes. I sing hallelujah every time I go in there :P

Hessenroots: anyway, sorry...this is just too amusing/scary for me to stop reading. The name of their campus - " IHOP Missions Base"

Fruitloop: oh jeez

Hessenroots: strategic pancake operations in a secret underground bunker!

Fruitloop: it's the french toast underground!

Hessenroots: it's the yummiest revolution ever!